Please keep telling your children they’re doing a good job
Parenting advice shifts. It always has.
There was a time when parents were told to leave babies to cry so they could “learn independence.” Later, it was about early learning flashcards and developmental checklists. Now, it’s things like respectful parenting and self-directed reflection. And much of that change has come from progress. From research. From listening more closely to the needs of children.
But sometimes the pendulum swings so far that we lose something soft along the way.
Lately I’ve noticed a message gaining momentum - that we should stop telling our children they’re doing a good job. The advice says we’re supposed to step back and let them decide for themselves if they did well.
That they should build their own inner confidence without relying on external praise.
That we should ask how they feel about what they did, and keep our thoughts quiet.
I understand the intention. The goal is to raise self-motivated, self-aware kids who don’t depend on others for validation. The heart behind it is good.
But I feel like something important is being missed.
Hello, World!
Because our children don’t live in a vacuum. They live in relationship. And part of that relationship includes feeling seen. Feeling celebrated. Feeling held in their effort.
Telling a child they’re doing a good job doesn’t take away their ability to reflect. It doesn’t remove their chance to feel proud of themselves. It simply adds to their sense of belonging. It reinforces that their effort has meaning. That someone they trust noticed.
Human beings are wired for connection.
Even neuroscience backs that up. In childhood, much of a child’s sense of self forms through mirroring — the way a caregiver responds to their expression, their attempt, their idea. Our feedback becomes part of how they understand themselves.
And for many children, words of affirmation are a powerful form of love.
Dr. Gary Chapman’s 5 Love Languages of Children includes “words of affirmation” as one of the five key ways that children experience emotional connection. For children with this love language, phrases like “you’re doing great,” “I love how you did that,” or “you worked so hard on that” aren’t fluff. They’re fuel.
They don’t replace self-worth. They help build it.
Even attachment theory supports the idea that consistent, warm, responsive feedback strengthens a child’s internal sense of safety and value. Saying “you’re doing a good job” can be part of that - especially when it’s specific, genuine, and rooted in connection.
So rather than removing praise altogether, I believe we can offer it more intentionally.
We can notice the effort, name what stood out, and still invite reflection - without leaving children unsure if we even saw them at all.
Some things to try
If you’re looking to balance encouragement with reflection, here are a few simple ways
Instead of: “Good job”
Try: “You worked really hard on that. I loved watching how focused you were.”
Instead of: “That’s amazing”
Try: “I noticed how kind you were when your sister was upset. That really stood out.”
Instead of: “I’m so proud of you” (on its own)
Try: “I’m really proud of you for sticking with that, especially when it got tricky. How do you feel about how it went?”
Instead of stepping back completely
Try: “You can feel proud of what you did there. I hope you saw what I saw.”
Instead of silence
Try: “I loved that idea. It was creative and thoughtful, just like you.”
Praise doesn’t have to be empty.
And self-worth doesn’t have to be earned alone.
There is space to celebrate children in a way that builds them up without making them praise-dependent.
There is space to say, “I see you,” and also ask, “how did that feel for you?”
Our words matter. They echo longer than we think. And in a world that sometimes rushes children to perform or perfect, there is something deeply powerful about letting them know they are already doing beautifully.
So please keep telling your children they’re doing a good job.
Mix it up.
Make it thoughtful.
Let it reflect what you saw and how it felt.
Help them build their own sense of pride, but don’t be afraid to stand beside them while they do it.
Because they’re listening.
And your words become part of their inner voice.
